Wednesday, September 24, 2014


Disassociated Press News Alert (DP) September 24, 2014

Bruce  "Buck" Whitetail, was    arrested  last night for posting  "deer dance solstice party" signs on the main drag into Blossomville, Indiana.

In the small college town of Blossomville, Indiana, home of  the premiere flagship school of  University of Indiana, which takes pride in  its progressive politics, reports are that populations of ravenous and wild-eyed deer are taking over. The safe, tidy community, untroubled by the usual outside influences that plague many urban  communities, like race and poverty,  is famous for its suburban lawns and well-kept gardens, carefully managed with the help of  maintenance companies like Real Green and Dr. Grass.

Wilma Melcher, a local entrepreneur and sous-chef, says she has  watched in horror as deer began to take  over her beautifully manicured, chemically-treated lawn. "We chose this property for its beauty and for the privacy life on the edge of town would afford. Even before we built, we carefully  had the trees and weeds all bulldozed down past the roots so they wouldn't come back to bother us, and the animals took off, too,  so we could build our Dream House. But then, one by one the deer  started returning and  and trying to take over, and our dream has become a nightmare." 

 "They must love all  that expanse of green, but,"  she added wistfully,   "I do, too. It  belongs to me, not them. I pay the mortgage here."

"And they're so scary," her friend and  neighbor,  Bud Willis, an elected official in Blossomville, chimed in. "Some days I can't even get my Prius out of the garage because there's a whole herd of them  standing there harassing me. God only knows what would happen if they decided to enter my home!"

Another neighbor, Alfonso Shrub,  a plant biology   professor at UI, agrees.  "Deer are  really stupid animals. It's been scientifically  proven.  Case in point, they  don't even pay attention to the warning  yard sign I put out! I mean, hell, even my neighbor's three year old knows to stay off the grass after it's been treated."

The invasion of deer is unprecedented in this small, close-knit community of hard working  students and scholars and businesspeople. Some say the deer were always here, just hiding in the forested areas that once graced Blossomville.  Others say the deer are migrating from as far away as Indianapolis, drawn by a good deal when they see one.

Hitch-hiking deer were spotted on County Road 10  near  the German-speaking community just outside Pawnee, Indiana. The female was reported carrying a sign that said, "Blossomville or Bust."

But concerns are rising also about strange ghost-like deer appearing at night. A group of fraternity brothers assiduously studying for their first quantum physics  quiz  on a late Friday  night were interrupted by strange monotone  humming noises out back of the frat house, and  managed to capture  photos of  what  have been identified as zombie deer  performing some kind of living-dead ritual dance.

 Shadrach Paisley,  local Blossomville TV anchor, offered an in-depth report a week ago on the alleged zombie and mutant deer:

Reports Paisley, "Local UI scientists, like Dr. Alfonso Shrub and Dr. Prudence Wormser of the University of Indiana Outdoor Living Plant Museum, are proving that deer are cleverly mutating and adapting to deliberately confuse those who would cause them harm. Chorused Shrub and Wormser, "These animals are inbreeding to the point where some of them even  look like rabbits."

This two-headed doe, spotted near downtown, was observed looking both ways before crossing the street.

Paisley went on to include evidence from local hunter, Anthony Sackrider, of an alarming trend seen in a minority of deer who are out to foil hunters by  reproducing in orange color patterns. A clever evolutionary ruse means that hunters will now have to shoot at anything or anyone wearing orange:

Stories of vicious deer attacks abound, with citizens fearing for their very lives. One Whispering Pines neighbor, Gordon Muncke, recalled having to beat off two does and a fawn with a broom, when they ventured suspiciously close to his porch, "with murder in their eyes." 

Normally prey animals, Blossomville deer seem to be taking on the role of  predators. Folks may well remember last winter's close call when high school student, Maxwell Titlow, age 14,  (seen below) was viciously assaulted by a  young deer when Maxwell refused to give him his lunch money.  Mr. Titlow, Maxwell's  father, snapped this photo as paramedics sped their way.  The deer pinned Maxwell down in the snow, and it was only through his quick thinking (offering the deer a treat) that he saved his own life.   He was treated at Blossomville Hospital for strange nudge marks and foreign saliva, and released.

Two weeks ago, police received a report of marauding deer thieves in the upscale Kensington Gardens development. These specially trained invaders have learned to bite  through chains and locks to get inside homes, which they tear apart in search of vegetables. 

There have also been reports of deer attacking fishermen and fisherwomen, competing for the few resources available, and raising serious questions of "fish security." 

                           Councilwoman S impson fighting off aggressive fish-seeking doe

What angers City Council member and fisherwoman Claudette Simpson is that she is actually licensed by the DNR to fish, and the deer are  just poaching.  "It's morally wrong for them to take what isn't theirs," said Claudette. "Why, I've had a deer even savagely snatch a giant bass out of my hand." This particular deer vanished with the bass flailing in her mouth before conservation officers could arrive. No arrests were made, but the incident was documented.

Local  self-appointed deer expert and Council member, Rudiger Ruffallo, noted with grave concern  and a shocked expression that the deer are developing never before seen  skills.

                                                Rudiger Ruffallo

"They're turning into criminals," Ruffallo  said, "with no regard for human property---and perhaps even life. They eat our plants, they show up near our homes, and they are frolicking in our streets. If we don't do something now, we're headed for a monumental disaster of catastrophic proportions, with devastated landscapes and a dying town."

As proof, he  supplied this photograph of a renegade deer fleeing residents who interrupted  an attempted home invasion.


 Ruffallo  attributes this behavior not only to the overpopulation of deer who have the hubris to try to reproduce like humans, but to desperately yearn for luxuries like iPhones and entertainment centers. "They want the same things we want," he said,  "and they don't even have jobs."

The thief pictured  above not only  outran police officers all the way down Main Street, but left  a stack of computer equipment with hoof prints all over it behind the fence.

"This is nature out of balance," Ruffallo said, ruefully shaking his head. "Ten years ago, deer were satisfied with munching on hostas, and that was bad enough, costing homeowners hundreds of dollars for lost hostas."

But the close  contact with human beings has proven  detrimental to both species.

 "They've become a serious danger. Without opposable thumbs," Ruffallo  added, "deer simply can't work the remote controls for the flat-screens, and these hoof-damaged items are left scattered over lawns and in the street, creating hazards to drivers."

Though the extent of the problem hasn't been confirmed yet, several neighbors report deer masquerading cleverly as neighborhood dogs. There is some thought that the dogs may be complicit, as caught in this surveillance video of Spots and Huffy clearly conspiring. 
Fluffy: "You need to wag your tail and look obedient to get a treat."

As residents are now reporting hearing the howls of coyotes in Blossomville, representatives from the Department of Exploiting Natural Resources are suggesting that this may actually be another ploy of deer to assume predator identities. This photo  of a howling deer, taken by Dr. Alfonso Shrub, adds credence to  the theory. "They are proving themselves to be great imitators of their own natural enemies."

                                                         Deer coyote-howling

Another clever tactic seems to be confirmed by this sign  that appeared out of nowhere on a wintry afternoon last year, announcing coyote activity in the Kew Gardens development where no coyote has yet been seen:

UI scientists speculate the deer and their allies are cleverly trying to  divert   attention from deer to this notorious predator who rumors say are quite capable of swallowing children whole.  The sign was removed after hoofprints were taken.

 In fact, reporters at the Blossomville Tribune report continue to receive  anonymous photos of coyotes with misspelled  captions pictured below:

                                     kyoty on blosumvil lokal bus wating to eat babys


                                kyoty bys fansy kar rite off the lot

News anchor Paisley observes, "The schools are bad in Indiana, but this level of poor spelling certainly indicates the work of someone unfamiliar with the English language."  A followup message confirmed his remarks: Weer deer and weer heer.

Residents complain they just don't feel safe any more, as the deer have "lost all fear" of humans, and are becoming bolder and bolder.

Imagine the shock of Audrey Herlihe when she and husband, local pediatrician  Studs Warchinski, arrived home after church one Sunday  to discover deer  having a pool party in their backyard. While most of the  adult deer guests instantly hooved it,  one young  straggler who'd had too much of the rum punch was quickly apprehended by local officers, and charged with trespass, and criminal mischief, and taken to the  animal control who were unable to reach her parents.

Blossomville mayor, Mack Murphy, has called for the formation of a special task force  to study the problem. Working closely with law enforcement and DNR officials, the Mayor's task force will be advisory in nature, but will work to get to the bottom of this deer problem. UI scientist, Dr. Shrub has  received funding to study the strange behaviors they are seeing. "Monitoring the situation is crucial," he said.  "Overpopulation, damage  to the environment ...  this is all contributing to climate change." He paused. "Oh, wait," he clarified, "I'm talking about deer."

Panicked citizens are not so patient and are  demanding immediate action. Some have begun arming themselves.  Assistant Professor  of  Informatics, and information specialist Lexie Zipper, says she's taking no chances.

Lexie Zipper, mother of eight, professor, and head of local  deer death squad

Rumors circulate that the area known as "the Bottoms," where many residents are living in Section 8 housing and more than likely dealing drugs, has become a hideout for criminal deer who are acting as "drug mules."  A visiting  "mule" at one of the apartments,  who declined to give his name, pointed out that he  is the offspring of a male donkey and a female horse, and has no relation to any of the Blossomville deer.

                                        Unidentified mule who appears to be wearing "gang colors"

 Police chief, Romeo McGilla, has assured citizens his force is doing everything they can and have been making regular sweeps through the Bottoms with their specially trained  Deer Swat Team (not to be confused with the Deer Task Force). Bottoms neighbors are complaining that they are being singled out for police raids, and explain that their cement yards are the last place deer would want to try to graze.

 On the other side of town,  quick-thinking police work led to the discovery of this set of velvet antlers left behind after an atrocious rubbing incident by a young buck on a homeowner's arborvitae trees on Princess Diana Court.   "We'll see if he's in the CODDIS system," said Officer Nutley, referring to the special index for deer and other animals.  "If he's in there, we've got his DNA, and he's as good as in the bag."

Thanks to the fleet-footed Officer Pipkin, one of the suspected  tree-rubbing scoundrels, a juvenile, was shot after resisting arrest.


While some deer activists, like  feminist activist and gender studies lecturer  Virgina Ocod,  were quick to cry "excessive force" on a fawn, no less, Council member Ruffalo dismissed their  outrage as the rantings of  "Bambi lovers."  He immediately released this damning Facebook photo of Ms. Ocod  dressed as a deer:

                                            Virginia Ocod (feminist Bambi lover and suspected "furry")

 UI religion professor, Mahatma Malone, who has published  a controversial monograph on Animals of the Old Testament, expressed delight over the shooting of the fawn, saying  that made one less deer.  "The Old Testament tells it like it is, an eye for an eye or, in this case, a fawn for the foliage--there's certainly language for that in both Exodus and Leviticus. God wants us to rule nature, or else, just like a woman, she'll get out of control."

While Blossomville considers itself a  tolerant town in the red state of Indiana, and proud of its support for alternative lifestyles and sexual orientations, there is increasing worry over public sexual acts by this libidinous horde who engage in shameless behaviors all over town.

 Just behind the landlocked  Ocean View Elementary School, and in full view of several classrooms, this shocking cervid three-way riveted students for  a good five minutes, until their distraught teachers were able to pry their little fingers from the windowsills.

UI child psychologist, Brynne Mower, was consulted immediately after the incident,  and recommended bringing in specially trained counselors to speak with the  traumatized children, to help  process the buck-on-buck-buck-on-doe action. One horrified parent, Misty Becker, who openly opposes same-sex marriage as a threat to the Constitution,  stated she isn't sure how her child can   go on living any semblance of a normal life, and has decided to home school.

 "Next thing you know," she said, "these deer  will be sexually assaulting our  children."

Another concerned parent stepped in and added, "And our  grandbabies, too."

Councilmember Ruffallo was quick to appear for a photo op, and chime in: "That is, when these beasts are  not defiling our parking meters downtown and begging for handouts  in front of the public library."

Clearly, this is a story that isn't going to go away and is likely to get bigger.

Councilman Ruffallo says he and his fellow Council members stand ready to take action to protect the citizens, their homes, their lawns, and their sensibilities.

The entire nation will be watching to see how Blossomville responds.  

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