How to Play An Academic on TV (or in real life)

1.  If you're a man, go for the scruffy "I stayed up all night grading papers and working on my next big book" look.  Mussed hair, five o'clock shadow, clothes that looked as if they've been slept in help-----coffee stains are de rigeur. If you're a woman, either go chic haircut and designer clothing route, or funk up an  unkempt, world-weary look with hightops and a shiny chemise, but always look haggard, war-torn, beleaguered, and put upon, but never, ever defiant. Female martyrdom is highly valued in academia.

2.  If you aren't publishing enough, be sure to start conversations with, "My next book project . . . ." or "If I could just get off all these committees, I could finish The Hegemony of  the Alterity Marginal Positionalities."  If someone mentions, say, how nice the weather is, you can always bring the conversation back to your project: "Yes, funny you should mention spring---I plan to have The Hegemony of the Alterity Marginal Positionalities completed by then."

3. If you're publishing a lot, always just happen to have the copy of your latest book or article in your hand, and never allow more than 5 seconds to pass before you make an impromptu offering to unsuspecting colleagues. Better yet, don't give away a freebie, just encourage them to admire the fancy cover!

4.  Keep your office door open, even if you're out to lunch. Leave your coat behind and your computer on so it appears you're really there. (Sort of like stuffing your bed when you were a kid so you could slip away.)

5. In conversation, use every form of the word "busy" you can think of, and throw in some synonyms, as well. Phrases like "I'm just rushed off my feet" also add a particularly anglophilic veneer that is sure to impress.

6. Always carry stacks of papers around.  It doesn't matter what kind of papers, it's the quantity that counts. Make sure there are so many that you appear to be  in danger of throwing out your back.  The colleague who generously holds the door for you clearly isn't busy if his/her hands aren't full. Be sure to say something like, "Lucky you, with free hands! I'm just so rushed off my feet . . . ."

7.  Whatever you do, don't ever look happy. Happiness is deeply suspect. It usually means you aren't busy enough.  It means you have something  satisfying going on in your life outside the hallowed halls.

8.  Name drop---lots.  If someone asks you if it's raining outside, you can always say, "It was raining so much at the Seattle conference where  I ended up having coffee with FAMOUS PERSON IN PROFESSION." If someone says, "Do you have the time?" you can always say, "Oh, time, what a funny coincidence.  Time just got away from me when I was chatting it up with FAMOUS PERSON IN PROFESSION."

9. At faculty meetings, regardless of what the topic is,  preface everything with introductory subordinate clauses that suggest you are actually going to talk about the topic:  "Well, when I was on the University Committee for _____, we talked about this . . ." or "Let's see, since that was the same year I got my big  fat grant to go to FAMOUS PLACE . . ." Always make it about you. This is particularly useful at promotion and hiring meetings where conversations are actually about other people. Quick!---make it about you.  Handy rhetorical tricks include, "Well, the year I was doing all that labor serving as elected  interim president  for the Prestigious National Committee on ______ because members were so thrilled with the connections between my intellectual work and the focus on _______, I was pleased to notice that our candidate attended one of our meetings and gave a good presentation."  There! How generous you appear, and how clever you really are.  You've upstaged the candidate.

10.  "Accidentally" leave hard evidence of all your important work in the main photocopy room-----a letter of thank you, an invitation to speak, your 3-pound vitae, etc.  Being busy is not your only job. Being important is even better.